Hope

Today I wrote a friend that "I love to play with the fire of hope.. it keeps me warm and happy, except when it burns me."

This week I have been obsessed with family creation and the woe of infertility. In Italy my life is a flashback to college days, with better hours, food, and drinks! Everyone is young and no one is talking about kids. People are surprised I am married "so young" (at 31) and no one in my circle of friends are talking about having kids. They are still working on moving out from their parents houses or getting their partners/spouses/boyfriends to be living in working in the same city as they are.

But the past 3 weeks I have been traveling through the USA. With other people's teenagers... whom I've come to really enjoy. Yes I laugh at... um with them a lot, but they warm my heart. I also am meeting old high school friends. And their kids. And these perfect manifestations of so many of my dreams -- -until I get to the second cup of tea with them and hear all that is below the brave face they are putting forth.

I face menopause with my brave face, but they are doing the same with marriage troubles, sick kids, lay offs, cancer scares etc. People are maxed out here. I am worried about making a great life for myself, but my friends are just trying to survive in some cases. Put things into perspective.

And then two more friends said that they thought about it, but won't donate after all. For very valid reasons... one just had her second miscarriage and worries that she isn't a good choice. The other decided that if she was in my situation, she wouldn't do donor eggs herself, and feels strange doing it for me. Again, if you have reservations, better now than later. But it brought up a lot of old emotions.

Then flash forward to today when I receive an email out of the blue from my clinic back in NZ. It was a simple note asking if I still wanted to be on the donor list, and if I could be available for treatment and appointments. I've been on it for nearly 3 years. My one and only cycle, with a friend, was in late 2008. I haven't heard once from the clinic checking if I was interested in staying on the list. I can't imagine that their policy is to only check every 2 years...

.... and so hope bubbles forth with the question, "do they have a potential donor for us?!"

Still over at wordpress

Hi there,

If you've click here from somewhere and what to find my current blog, I'm over at circlesbecomeme.wordpress.com

See ya there!
Clare

Homesick for images of home

I am thinking of going to see Twilight because well.. basically I think I'll see glimpses of home.

For other movies filmed there, check out this link

I must be pretty dense because the only reason I've even heard of the Twilight books was that I caught the word "Port Angeles" on the page of a book one of my rowing team mates was reading.  I asked where the book was set, and she said Forks. I nearly laughed, because I drove through Fork for my honeymoon... and yes it is the MIDDLE of NOWHERE.  This is the 3rd book I've heard of set there though, which makes me laugh. Have these authors ever been there, or did they just pick it off the map as a place few readers would have ever been?

Again check out the link, it is really cool to me to see clips of Oregon based movie footage.

Still over at wordpress..

Hi All,

I am still enjoying it over at circlesbecomeme.wordpress.com ... It was super easy to import over my old posts and I am finding it much easier to write and post without accidently losing posts before I publish.

I was going to try to import back my most recent posts over at wordpress, but couldn't sort out how to do it. Any hints?

The only thing I am missing is my google analytics - but I guess a worthwhile trade off for not losing a post every second attempt at posting.

Hope all is well,
S

Relocating for a bit

Hi all,

I am going to give wordpress a go for the next wee while. To keep reading, go to

circlesbecomeme.wordpress.com

I may or may not end up coming back here, but for now I'll be posting over there. I think it may be time to start having the option of password protecting posts occasionally. I also am getting frustrated with a few of the blogger glitches.

Looking forward to seeing you over there,

Me

News from the egg donor front

So this last fortnight has been a wave of emotions for me... and I suspect that adjusting to the birth control pills only added spice to the experience.

First off we decided to take a wild leap and leave our wonderful apartment for a rental in the outskirts of town. Country living sounds great, but its been ages since I've actually done it (and more importantly the added driving requirements). This led to some stomach wringing anxiety, excitement, and lots of anticipation! I was practically vibrating as I flung myself into finalizing the move.

More importantly, movement has happened on the whole egg donor front. After I heard my best friend's news, I found myself at my another friend's house – the one who offered to donate awhile ago. We talk about lots of things, and I really appreciate that she is letting our friendship continue to evolve irrespective of her amazing offer. Over tea, I mentioned mybest friend's pregnancy and how I was surprised on how mellow I felt about it.

The next day I received a wonderful email from mydonorating inclined friend sharing all sorts of information that I was planning to ask her about as soon as I had made some headway through the grieving process over my failing ovaries. She volunteered information regarding her own fertility and medical history and other details that she felt that she would want to know herself if she was considering an older egg donor.

That afternoon I also received a letter from my fertility doctor in response to a letter I had sent only a few days prior saying that I had a donation offer. The letter outlined next steps and made it easy to respond to my friend's email.

Two days later while I was off at a conference, unbeknownst to me, my friend was having her FSH levels tested. In the middle of a brutal meeting, I got a text message from her sharing the results... I have never been so excited by a single digit number in my life. At 39 her FSH was lower than mine had ever been in my twenties! I was twitching with nerves at that point. Suddenly all of this no longer seemed theoretical. I could actually try to conceive. I could be a parent in the next year even! And boy oh boy do I need to get my head sorted about how I felt about the emotional aspects of egg donation.

In 72 hours I had gone from a holding pattern with no obvious transition point to actually planning doctor appointments with my friend!

I've often been told not to make any major decisions whilst grieving...

In fact several years ago, I choose not to switch jobs once because of this (a dear dear friend had died and I decided that I 'ought' to wait to leave my job until I was in a 'better' place griefwise...), a decision that felt wrong at the time and continued to feel wrong for years later.

I promised myself that I would never blindly follow that advise again. I'm starting by embracing the upcoming move to the countryside--even if it comes at a time where I am desiring stability and safety as my world seems to churn under foot.

Now I am also heading down the egg donor path (keeping a backdoor open for now) with as much confidence as I can given how overwhelming, exciting, hopefully, terrifying, and unknown as it is.

following directions...

So I've been following directions with the whole birth control thing. Taking the pill each and every morning around 7:30. Keeping track of any side effects.

And this time around some things are better:

• sex drive has not been completely squashed - minus the initial emotional elements related the knowing that as shot as my ovaries are, that on the pill there really is no chance of any fertile outcomes for the time being

But I must say I am not impressed with the following:

• spotting each and every day


• cramps each and every day
• breast tenderness that makes me vigilantly guard against any bumps, brushes, or most of my tops


• anxiety that is hard to calm myself through


• occasionally searing pains when my stomach tightens

This isn't anything I should be worried about, is it? Particularly the last one.