Sunday, January 20, 2008

Say what...

So as part of my diagnosis conversation, my doctor told me that some women naturally conceive with my condition, but it is very very rare.

He then said that someone women ovulate if you put them on the pill for a few months and then take them off. The clinic can then track the cycle with blood tests and tell you when to get busy.

He also said that I will need to go on the pill to make sure that I get the hormones I need. That or Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

My head is a Venn diagram of notes that don't jive!

So let me get this straight. I might be able to conceive if I ignore all his advise, but he thinks it would be helpful to go on the pill and then off for one month. Okay, say my ovaries return from their holiday while I'm on the Pill and magically remember how to do their job and that somehow creates a a great month of statistically possibility - why do we have to get blood work all month long - can't we just be clever rabbits and have sex ever 36-48 hours like we currently are? And speaking of statistics, say my odds of spontaneously getting myself “spontaneously” knocked up are shockingly low, then how much better does the pill withdrawal trick have to be since that is basically 1 chance in 4 months where currently I might have 3-4 chances to ovulate in that time frame. Okay maybe my ovaries are more dead than I realize, but still.... So lets assume they are really nearly dead and aren't tricked back into life with this whole birth control adventure, wouldn't HRT at least leave open the possibility of conception more than birth control hormones? I know there are other health reasons to take hormones, but that wasn't part of this discussions. Doctors have let me go on with failing ovaries for years without any action, so how much more damage could a few months now and then off the pill really really be. My bone scans are still fine. My sex drive is best its ever been. The hot flashes are rarer.

Really doctor I feel the best I've ever have, don't screw it up with hormonal cocktails – they aren't fun.

Or is he just giving me some time to 'try' very unlikely things while I come to terms that its really egg donor or nothing, then a life time of HRT/the pill.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Early Days

This month I finally heard the diagnosis. My heart, my breath, my whole being heard it. Yes, this shouldn't be a surprise as I was told the same a couple months ago. I've been talking to friends about my fear of this possibility for years, and as they watched me cried I am sure I convinced them that I believed that it was true.

I did believe it, a bit, but not like now. For some reason it is finally real. I have premature ovarian failure. All the 'white matter' my surgeon 'smushed' together on my behalf (my surgeon's way of saying that he had tried to save some of my ovaries) don't seem to be working.

The last blood test confirmed it, but what really made it real was telling a slightly tipsy friend early into her medical ob/gyn residency my story. I dropped my FHS numbers into the conversation, and she, without missing a beat, blurted 'egg donor or nothing eh?'

I find it funny that a person only beginning their medical career holding a poorly mixed martini convinced me of what I never fully believed from the medical professionals' I paid good money to listen to.

Now I have a muddled brain of all the ramifications of what happens when your body can't make the hormones you need to do useful things like make bones and babies – let alone all these subtle things that your ovaries apparently do to prepare you body and mind to keep working properly in old age.

I've decided that to spare my friends my need to verbalize through complex situations and use this blog to catalog my thoughts, procedures, and information gathering instead.