As I was replying to a few people today, I realized that part of what is hitting me is that where I live both domestic adoption or donor egg routes to parenthood involve me creating a profile which hopefully will be selected by a donor or birth mother. At that point, we can say yay or nay...
Based on what, I don't know.
I feel like am dressing up for a dance.. one where I will be a blindfolded wallflower leaning against the wall, listening to all the excitement in front of me; where I will wait and wait and wait for someone to come ask me to dance – all the while fretting about whether I can actually dance, whether I wore the right clothes, if I'm standing just right, whether I'm bouncing to the music too much or too little, and most of all what to do if someone actually does approach me and ask me to to dance – Do you automatically say yes, or attempt to evaluate in some way... without even being able to watch and learn from the others around you.
The funny thing is that my whole life I've just been throwing myself into the music – I am always with kids... mentoring, respite care, babysitting, teaching, playing in their forts or as they get bigger driving them to where they need to be... and there are days now when I see a gauze between me and them that never use to be there. I still get such joy from the interactions, but there is something different now.
But back to my questions...
Please feel free to leave anon comments - I sorted out how to turn that feature on today
- For those of you who've used donor eggs, what were you looking for in a donor?
- For those of you who are in the position of selecting a donor (say from a list of profiles), how do you think the experience would be different if the donors were selecting you?
- For those of you a bit further down this path, do you have any advice for someone like me just starting out?
- I know the best thing in life is to just be yourself, and let what happens happens, but are there any things you would choose not to put in a “prospective parent” profile? (The same way we choose what to, or note to, highlight on our resumes...)
- And for those of you who have put together profiles as part of the domestic adoption process, what organized your thinking about that?
I know my husband and I are just starting down this path... we have so much to learn. But I'd rather learn a bit of it early on and then go from there, so that I have knowledge stored up far enough in advance that I can start listening to my instinct again when the time comes.
I feel so new to all of this having jumped straight from haphazard charting (of my very haphazard cycle) to considering donor eggs. I wouldn't wish the struggle (and often painful loses) that so many of you are /have gone through on anyone, but there are days where I wonder if a bit more of a journey would have prepared me more for where I am headed.