More questions..

How lovely to see comments today... Thanks everyone.

As I was replying to a few people today, I realized that part of what is hitting me is that where I live both domestic adoption or donor egg routes to parenthood involve me creating a profile which hopefully will be selected by a donor or birth mother. At that point, we can say yay or nay...

Based on what, I don't know.

I feel like am dressing up for a dance.. one where I will be a blindfolded wallflower leaning against the wall, listening to all the excitement in front of me; where I will wait and wait and wait for someone to come ask me to dance – all the while fretting about whether I can actually dance, whether I wore the right clothes, if I'm standing just right, whether I'm bouncing to the music too much or too little, and most of all what to do if someone actually does approach me and ask me to to dance – Do you automatically say yes, or attempt to evaluate in some way... without even being able to watch and learn from the others around you.

The funny thing is that my whole life I've just been throwing myself into the music – I am always with kids... mentoring, respite care, babysitting, teaching, playing in their forts or as they get bigger driving them to where they need to be... and there are days now when I see a gauze between me and them that never use to be there. I still get such joy from the interactions, but there is something different now.

But back to my questions...
Please feel free to leave anon comments - I sorted out how to turn that feature on today

• For those of you who've used donor eggs, what were you looking for in a donor?
  


• For those of you who are in the position of selecting a donor (say from a list of profiles), how do you think the experience would be different if the donors were selecting you?
  


• For those of you a bit further down this path, do you have any advice for someone like me just starting out?
  


• I know the best thing in life is to just be yourself, and let what happens happens, but are there any things you would choose not to put in a “prospective parent” profile? (The same way we choose what to, or note to, highlight on our resumes...)
  


• And for those of you who have put together profiles as part of the domestic adoption process, what organized your thinking about that?
  

I know my husband and I are just starting down this path... we have so much to learn. But I'd rather learn a bit of it early on and then go from there, so that I have knowledge stored up far enough in advance that I can start listening to my instinct again when the time comes.

I feel so new to all of this having jumped straight from haphazard charting (of my very haphazard cycle) to considering donor eggs. I wouldn't wish the struggle (and often painful loses) that so many of you are /have gone through on anyone, but there are days where I wonder if a bit more of a journey would have prepared me more for where I am headed.

So what are the odds...

An entire day in bed recovering from illness leads to lots of time to research the internet.

Mostly I find things confirming my low chances. Then this study appears to confirm that while giving a bit of hope:

If I am reading Abdalla H & Thum MY (2004)'s abstract correctly, women with FSH >20 (i.e., me), have a only a 3% live birth rate and pregnancy rate, however when broke down by age, women under 38 years of age odds went up to 16.7%.

16% sounds pretty darn good (although my levels are well over 20, so this might not apply AT ALL to me).

Also, the young women with high FSH had better stats for live births than 38+ year old women with FSH under 10. Granted these are women who are receiving treatment, not numbers on spontaneous conception.

What is a girl like me to think..... are my eggs just as good as the 38 year old eggs my friend has offered?

Quote from study's abstract:

"group A, FSH <10>20 IU/ml. Each group was stratified further into subgroups according to age, < or ="38">38 years. RESULTS: Both PR (A, 32.3%; B, 19.8%; C, 17.5%; and D, 3%) and LBR (A, 24.7%; B, 13.2%; C, 13.8%; and D, 3%) were significantly reduced in the higher FSH level groups. LBR was significantly higher in the younger subgroups (A, 32.2%; B, 21.8%; C, 20%; and D, 16.7%) as compared with the older subgroups (A, 12.1%; B, 8.3%; C, 10.5%; and D, 0%)."

The same authors seem to have a running theme on high FSH.

Really?

I had another friend offer eggs the other day over tea. But this time she followed it up with a conversation with her husband and a very genuine offer....

WHOA!!!

She is smart, creative, and has two amazing children I love. I respect her ability to think outside the box and think about big ideas. She said all the right things... how it would be my baby, how she suspects she would be vaguely interested in the kids as much as she would her cousin's kids, she would want openness with her immediate family, etc. I have much faith that we could navigate through muddy waters as they arise. She lives nearby and has the time in her current lifestyle for all the shots and stuff. She is fairly aware of the procedure and down to earth in general.

Cons - she smoked for awhile and she turns 39 in a few weeks. Menopause is a very late occurring thing in her genetic pool, although I have no idea if that has any relevance to the statically risk of older egg age.

I feel this huge sense of relief mixed with panic. Would I want to pursue this at all given her age? How does one get a sense of how old is too old? I only get 2 free cycles... but then again I might not get any other offers, or ones from people I feel so comfortable with...

Much to think about. I suspect that is the understatement of this whole process. When you aren't thinking lots, you are feeling lots.

Anger

As I sit here recovering from whatever has possessed my stomach and turned it a sea of churning angry froth... I find myself reading lots of blogs.

I am finding myself particularly drawn to the women who freely write about their rage, anger, and pain.

I have a hard time doing that - I wish I could just let it pour out of me. There are so many things that piss me off, but I try to be strong, calm, reasonable etc.

I have such admiration for those who can let it fly... words and curses, fists and fury. Maybe I am still in shock. Maybe I just don't even know how I feel yet. Maybe its just been dribbles of emotion sppread out over a decade with few tangible loses.

I don't want my life to be years of anger or bitterness, but I don't want to be false either. Reading some of these blogs, particularly when people share hideous things doctors & medical staff say, bring back the emotions I have burried. Perhaps if I hadn't been so good about putting on a good front...

I was told nothing after my surgery, and through the lines of nothing I read 'kids aren't in your future young lady.' I went back to university to a sea kids hooking up and hoping not to get PG. No one in a high-flying uni campus is really all that available to deal with your grief over being infertile. So you make jokes. You become the person who is young enough and far enough removed to correct people when they say stupid things to older people struggling with infertility. When I saw other people's faces stone up, I could pip in that having kids isn't easy for everyone, that losing a baby at any stage breaks hearts, etc. They could hear it from me, because I technically wasn't the one grieving a loss

But I was.

One that is so intangible. I look completely healthy. Feel fine (now that hot flashes are subsiding). I am so young. I still get carded when I order beer in the States. Friends are only now starting to ask when we'll have kids. I've been spared that for all these years. Sometimes I was able to plant the seed years ago that I might not be able to, and that has been a wise move because those who know are a bit more sensitive now.

For years, I felt like there was broken glass within my womb... not physical pain, just a searing emotional one. All the uncertainty. All the annoyance that I knew so much about charting and how bodies are suppose to work, even though mine never really did. All the 'its not fairs.'

I was reading today about how lesbian couples who use donor eggs often have a different experience than those coming from the infertility world... one of going from assuming a door was closed to the joy of possibility-- rather than going from presumption to mourning a loss. I guess I'm in the middle. I have known since I was 18 that I probably could not, always secretely harbouring hope that if I stayed healthy enough, I could.

When I read all these amazing women sharing their pain, I fear that as I go down this path, with all the ups and downs, that I won't be strong enough. That it will be too much. Today I am angry that thinking about starting my family starts with doubts, rather than the joys of possiblities.

The waves keep crashing....

... and not the lovely ones of the Pacific. No waves of nausea. They started when I woke up yesterday. I greened to the smell of my husband's coffee. I gagged at the smell of my towel when I got out of the shower. I put on my best dress, which is teal - a color I now realize is not flattering against a pale-green complexion, and headed to work.

I should have stayed home. I should have gone home after my first quick stroll to the bathroom to stare at the toilet praying that my body quickly and efficiently purges whatever evil was lodged in my stomach. No I kept working, with a bucket under my desk, because I had a secret hope that maybe this was morning sickness.

Yes a very irrational hope, but hey it was morning and I was sick and technically it had been 7 weeks since my last period (which is actually more like 3-4 weeks early for me, but in my semi-delusional state I was opting to use the 28 days norms that have never once applied to my own pattern).

I also had this silly idea that queasiness due to food poisoning, flu, or other 'medial' issues is grounds to excuse myself from work and go home --- however morning sickness is a 'natural' experience that you just work through. Yes shoot me now wiser women who know that when you are about to hurl, for whatever reason, you aren't much good at work and just as uncomfortable.

At 10 I was sent home. I just barely made it home in time to start a 24 hour love fest with my toilet (thank goodness I cleaned yesterday). I am now a tad better, although hungry and dehydrated, and working up the courage to try to eat. Supportive friends have brought paper and audio books over.

My mind has cleared up again... I know I am not pregnant. This sickness is probably related to the fact that I've been around at least 3 kids this week who've puked in my presence. But the whole time I was sick, I worried that if I was I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant with donor eggs, could I survive months of feeling that sick? Today I say of course, because the agony has more or less passed. But yesterday I was less sure of my strength – just as I was when I was in the midst of the post-op pain from my ovarian surgery. I had no idea how I'd survive that week of pain, hunched over unable to stand straight, dreading every laugh, cough, and sob.... but I did. Yet in spite of all I've survived, physically and emotionally, I still doubt my strength some days.

book list

Donor Egg Blog list of books

Donor Conception Support Group Australia

wishes

I have wished for one thing my entire life every time I was presented with coins to toss in fountains, birthday candles to snuff out, and dandlions to blow on.  And no, it wasn't for children or anything that specific.  So far my wish is coming true, but not in the way I would have imagined.  Good thing I wasn't too specific in my wishes...

And then a few weeks ago I was cleaning up and found a couple wishbones I had set aside awhile ago.  My husband and I pulled on each of them, each silently making a wish....


... I've never had both people end up with the short stick before, let alone twice.  Goodness knows what that means!

Juno

My counselor at the fertility clinic told me that I need to carve more time out for me.... she suggested things like a massage, hair cut etc.  I feel a bit more strapped for money than that, so I went for the things that have always brought me comfort in times of depression.  

-  going to movies alone in the middle of the day
- playing with friends and their kids
- long walks on the beach

Well I decided to rule out the last one as my brain plays mean tricks with me when I am alone on the beach now a days.

So I went to see Juno by myself at a lovely cinema that serves drinks and real food.  Followed up with a movie night with my friends and her young children.  She thought I was crazy to 'torture' myself with such a movie, but really it was the best thing ever...

I wanted to lose myself in someone else's reality, but one related to what I am obsessing over.  It made me remember high school. It gave me a chance to cry.  The main character is so young, spunky, and witty.  I just loved the whole thing.  I can't wait to watch it again.  It also rammed home that pregnancy is a source of intense emotions for everyone and that there are so many sides to every story.   Even the most planned, knocked up in the first month pregnancies have heaps of emotions.   No one is guaranteed perfect joy, but sometimes glimmers of joy often pulls through the deep sadness - at least in my case.

one more day

Today I took the entire day off... first the morning, then come lunch I realized that I needed the afternoon off too. I cried through most of my rec sporting game tonight and then drug myself home.

I thought it was getting easier, but today was just a day where everywhere I looked my brain started a painful inner monologue about how my kids won't look like me... or how I might never get to be a parent...how I hate that I no longer look at my friend's kids the same way... how I best get on with sorting out my hormones.... oh and the fun one of my brain trying to convince me that all my tears might be all my fault because I haven't dealt with my hormones.

grr.... very ready for bed tonight.

oh, yeah, that reminds me of my low libido problem.

How can something that seems so fringe to my happy wonderful life that is so full, be tainting nearly every single moment!?!

A bit of reading today...

I was on the road for work today and snuck moments to read this book

and it was nice to read about others... some were amazingly similar stories to mine, others were way more intense that what I am going through.  It was a quick read.  I really understood one woman's frustration with people saying 'the doctor's are wrong, of course you'll have babies. '  I too find people giving me false, crazy hopeful statments like that very frustrating.  I don't want to convince them that this is true.  Its hard enough to convince myself that this invisible thing is true.    Eventually I'll be fine with it, but then and now I really don't need people to attempt to help by trying to convince me that all of this is some horrible mix-up that will go away if I just ignore the only doctors who actually sound like truth-tellers.

I spent too many years trying to find out this truth, please please let me at least celebrate the fact that I finally now know what is happening --- even if I am not exactly thrilled with the news.  

my tear jerker today...

My tea this evening got a bit saltier.  I had been joking around with my lovely husband.  Conversation turned to looks.  I was saying how great he had been looking at a recent dress-up evening we had attended.  He laughed about how he really isn't all that good looking (I reserve the right to disagree), and I commented that somedays he looks mighty fine to me, and then without warned a quick one-two punch

Lover of mine, "ah but that is only when you are ovulating." in reference to our long standing joke regarding his theory that I crave him and food and find everything in the world to be lovely and grande at certain times of the month

and I flippantly replied, "well too bad that won't be happening much any more...."

I immediately looked down, surprised at my words, and caught the sight of a single tear plopping itself into my tea.  

A bit of smiling today

Today I smiled a bit at my scar as I got out of the shower. I hung out with friends and played their wonderful young sons with a light heart. I smiled genuinely at a stranger telling me that she was pregnant. Perhaps I'm making progress with this greiving/accepting crap.

And after all that I felt a funny pain on my right side... the hopeful side of me thinks "mittelschmerz"

The rest of me thinks "hm, gas?" indifferently.

There is a 5% chance of conception with POF, right? So that must mean that there is a higher chance of ovulation, eh? Not that ovulation is the be end all of the fertility game, but it does lead to great sex - perhaps because of all the fun things your body does when it ovulates to convince you to drop everything and shag... or in my case, it could just be the huge novelty factor of ovulation.

Talking ,smarking

I thought I'd spare my friends any talking about all this crap... for the entire day I did not talk about how much I hated the pill, or how I can't have kids with my genes in them, or how the closest my eggs will get to experiencing pregnency was when they were in my mother ---- perhaps I should ask for that portrait Mum's college roommate did of her when she was pregnant with me. Cruel or comforting, I don't know but I really want it on my wall now.

I thought it would be a holiday of sorts - for everyone.

My results - suddenly infertility was ALL i could think of. my brain atrophied in to spiraling illogical knots of dwelling on the PROBLEM WITH NO SOLUTION.

and then a kind friend said the perfect thing, "when you grow your family, however the hell it happens, make sure you do X." This is the same person that said yesterday how I would be an amazing mother (not 'but you'd be such a great mother') and how the kids, however they come to me, would be so lucky. The same person that only a week ago was saying shit like 'of course you'll have your own kids.'

What progress! Now if only I, a bit closer to the situation, could make the same kindof headway.

I think what I am finding really useful at the moment is when I bump into the sharp edges of my reality. I actually like it when people remind me (mostly accidentally) that I am not have kids with my own eggs. It makes it real and somehow its calming to know that I am not the only one who knows.

That coupled with the hope that I will be a parent someday – just that the path is obscurred from view at the moment. And that they have complete confidence that I won't suck at it any worse than anyone else.

I am not fishing ladies!!!

Why is that whenever I actually tell a friend what I am going through that they end up saying something like "hmm, I would only give an egg anomously"  Please friends, I am not FISHING for EGGS by telling you what I am going through, I just am looking for some support and love.  I swear--- though I would take a yummy curry right about now.

Other young ones out there...

..Okay I guess I should realize that my youth is all very relative.  I do still get carded sometimes and if I feel like doing a cartwheel in a grassy field, I do - well most of the time.

I found this post over at This Sorta Fairytale on being young and infertile very insightful.  

It got me thinking about my experiences....

I went off the pill when I was nearly 25 and was having hot flashes by 27. I was also charting my fertility signs as a form of contraception. Well I thought of it that way as we were hoping to postpone starting a family for a couple years, and I loved how I felt off the pill. Let me tell you, I really struggled to make sense out of those charts... I should have started wondering a bit when my cycles were really long or really short, and didn't fit any of the book charts --- but my cycles had been like that before my surgery and before the pill, so I just thought it was normal for me.

Eventually I pushed for more answers. I got a referral at 27, and let me tell you I felt very very weird talking to the RE about what was going on. He just didn't get why he would be test my fertility if we weren't actively trying to conceive. Yes, I understand that there might be people with 'less time' or more urgent cases, but this doctor wasn't very 'urgent.' Each appointment was nearly an hour and a half as he slowly typed my story into my electronic medical record (please doctors, learn to touch type or let us type if you are under 10 wpm, this process is already painful enough!). He kept saying that the only way if I could really 'test' my fertility was to start have lots of unprotected sex.... hmmm, and what about the other women in their 20's who don't happen to have that as a viable option? Do we really want to have young women 'testing' our fertility in such a way before its 'too late.' Not me!

What gets me now is that none of that mattered... my health was at risk because my ovaries were failing. It didn't matter if I was trying to conceive or whether I even had a partner, I had a medical condition that required treatment and understanding and monitoring. I personally would have loved a heads up that having my FSH tested out at 19 was probably a sign to throw away the use of condoms if we ever wanted to give my own eggs a chance. A baseline bone scan and some suggestions to exercise more might have been cool too.

There was one appointment where the doctor said that I might be pre-menopausal. He later retracted that diagnosis, but that day was devastating. But my ability to reach out for support was limited. Talking to work mates, and they assume that you're on the verge of maternity leave (as if!). Talk to friends who are dealing with infertility and there is that look of “well you haven't even started trying.” Most of my peers either had 5 year olds or were very far from thinking about kids. My 30 year old friends would panic that if I didn't have time, they were doomed!

Now I realize that it didn't matter if I was 18 and single or 40 with 10 years of trying under my belt, I was still hearing horrible news. If you found out that your long lost childhood friend died in an accident 5 years ago, you are no less sad than if you found out tomorrow or yesterday or in 5 more years. It is still a loss.

In fact I think part of me is grieving that I never really got a chance to even try to get pregnant with my own eggs. Yes, my partner and I've had some fun nights 'trying' in the last year in hopes that all might actually be fine, but I deep down part of me already believed the first of the 4 diagnoses I got 2 years ago... that my ovaries were failing.

If I had been 36 with my symptoms and had been trying without success for 5 years, I really think that the doctors would have been more forward about doing tests. I think in my case, my age – or at least how it was perceived – was a hindrance to getting a timely diagnosis and built unnecessary walls between me and people who were in the best position to support me -- those who have already walked these lonely hallways.

And then I found out that one of my workmates had done years of IVF treatments. Her diagnosis was unexplained infertility. She was now in her 50's and had more or less come to terms with never having had children. She mothered me through those first days like a saint. I will forever love her for that. And should anything big ever happen to her, good or bad, I will be on the next flight back to be there with her just like the grown-up version of the child she always dreamed of would. I'm not a replacement for what she lost, but we have a unique special rare relationship that neither of us ever dreamed of before we were in the midst of it.

How will I measure my year....

My web wonderings today took me to this video from the International Infertility Film Festival....




And I wonder, how will I end up measuring the upcoming year of my life:

Today I did blood work...

Today I scheduled appointments...

Today I had a collegue ask if she could pray for me...

Today the hurt was back....

They say that today is the start of the rest of your life.. they say lots of things, eh?

Who's on first...

So I have two very close friends, G and T. G and I are like sisters. People mistake us for twins, although we don't look anything a like. She is the person I would have be my children's guardian. She will be an integral part of their lives as I will be with her children. I don't know exactly how as we live on opposite sides of the world, but I know that to be as true as the fact that our kids will breathe oxygen. She was there when I had my ovaries removed and has patiently listened to me as I talked out how I felt about the irregular cycles, hot flashes, and possible infertility that I faced.

T is a friend I met recently. She has recently moved to my city with her two children and amazing husband. In a sense T and G have swapped roles,. Since the move, G now is my email buddy and T is the one I spend lots of time face-to-face chatting with.

Both these incredible women are huge sources of support and let me vent, whine, cry, and question when I need to. Both include me in their kid roles, as aunt and mother respectively, without worry.

And there are a lot of reasons why each might be a possible donor. I try really really hard never to look at my friends as potential donors, but occasional the thought does come up. In this case because every week T says, "well G would give you an egg, right?" which makes me smile because G is always saying “why don't you ask T to be a donor.” It makes me think the both don't want to, which is fine, and that they think highly of each other even if they've only met once.

Yea I win!

Oh, the counselor lady also said that donor egg cycles are 'only' $9-10k here and I might qualify for 2 publically funded ones!  So I guess one could spin this to mean that I won a $20k lottery by moving here rather than staying in the States.  

Yeah, I guess its a stretch, but spinning and reframing isn't all bad!

Steps

Today I met with a counselor at the fertility clinic.  As much as I was looking forward a chance to cry in a safe place, it turned out to just be an informational Q&A session.  That is good too, but where I am going to get my cry on tonight?  Certainly not answering my American tax accountants questions about the location of my W-2!  

Perhaps this means its time to go back to the old-school techniques of angst channeling- old school as in, what would I do when I was in high school... you know as in 'back before I got separated from my ovaries," back when I had the coping skills of a possum - it is time to make a mix tape.  

My current project is to come up with a list of songs that flow one into another that mix joy and heartache in a soothing cocktail of angst fueling waterfalls tears that crash down on your arms that hug your soul rocking back and forth.  

Here is the start of my list:
Crane's wife -3 - Decemberists
Rent theme song
Mother and Children Reunion - Paul Simon
The Promise - Tracy Chapman 
In these shoes

Any other suggestions?

Dad on adoption...

Today I chatted with my father. When presented with 'female problems, he does not shy away. He is amazing in his ability to try to say the right thing... which of course is different from saying the right thing. His poorly timed and often off-based comments have never made me cry though, sometimes I have to bite my tongue and burst out laughing later. For example the day he offered me mynearly 60 year old mother's eggs. I laughed out loud:)  How sweet dad...

Today he eloquently shared how the more he's learned about the "vitro stuff," he thought it sounded like a lot of time and energy and money. He said some muddled things about adoption that I took to mean that he would completely love any grandkids and would completely support us. I think he was a bit shocked when I mentioned how expensive and slow adoption can be... I don't really understand fully why that is either. It does seem so wrong that so may kids do not have the parents they want for - and perhaps one day I would want to work on the problem of how the system(s) does or doesn't work for these kids – but for now I'm just trying to selfishly focus on getting through the couple weeks for me.

I myself am only starting to research all my options – but as of today, egg donor looks promising, at least to start our family. Where I live, I think I would receive one publicly funded cycle, there are fewer ethical issues for me with the legal framework, and – this is a big one- I think I like having biology control what happens. I feel like so much control has been stripped from me, and the nature of the adoption process- at least at this point – looks to me to be one where the adopting parents have very little control.

The thing is babies aren't really like all the stuff people are trying to give away on Craigslist. They are wonderful and precious and adorable and really really hard work to birth. It makes sense that there isn't a line of women giving up babies to people like me who can't have their own. And I am very glad that the supply demand curve is the way it is for domestic adoptions. Now if I was still located in the States, I would consider adopting an older child or one with “special needs.” I haven't yet sorted out what options exist in my current location for non-infant adoptions... or how my other half would feel about taking this on. I have spent my entire life learning how to see beyond disability and how to help kids cope with and sometimes overcome them – I have a somewhat realistic idea of what the parents I meet through work go through and I wouldn't have the bait and switch of dreaming of the birth of my 'normal' child and then realizing that my child is different from the one you imagined.

Research

I love information. My mother raised me to be a librarian, my father raised me to be a scientist, my other half loves raw data the way I like raw veggies. When things get messy I turn to information. My preferred diet would be a heap of first person accounts from multiple angles, a few opinion pieces, bits of medical research, and a some stats.

This weekend I started with blogs:

www.themaybebaby.com - I'm finding this a wonderful read about a woman who is also considering donor eggs. She too never assumed that fertility was a given. She lost her eggs to cancer treatment. I lost mine to two large benign dermoid cysts. While I guess I theoretically could have died if the cysts had ruptured, my treatment was only a half day surgery and one week recovery in the hospital hospital. No comparison to fighting childhood cancer.  Still, I had wondered about freezing eggs at the time. I was already dating the man I am now married to - perhaps we could have really been unconventional and created a few embryos together - the image of my parents reacting to me suggesting that I make future babies now, for later, with the college senior I was dating is enough to make me smile - no I'm outright laughing as the image gels in my mind! I also find it amazing how you find a person writing about something you are dealing with and then discover all these other common threads -- oh look she uses the 'words' ASD and MR/DD at work too! Her husband tells her to not be condensing and show a bit of respect for her parents choices just like mine does with me. Then again, she spells and writes a lot better than I do!

http://eggdonor.blogspot.com/ - I enjoyed reading through this entire blog outlining one person's experience being a donor. A very different take from my friend who donated eggs to a friend. While she has no regrets, she said that the emotional toil of the procedure was too great for her to even consider IVF if she should ever need it. There is a real possibility that if we go down this track we'd need to ask a friend. A bit tricky since we are living in a new country and our friends are on the other side of the world. I am wondering though if a good friend could come down for the summer months she has off from teaching - donate some eggs and enjoy some vacation abroad. That said, she'd have to give up summer for winter and what exactly do you tell customs on your return as donating eggs to your best friend is hardly traveling for work, pleasure -- perhaps education?!?! Regardless I feel like I need to understand what the donor would go through before I could ask a friend or stranger to do such a huge thing.

http://greateggs.com/ I also flipped through some egg donor databases in the US. Here there is no such thing. The process is quite different. There is no money in the egg donor game here, something I actually am glad of, but that also means fewer donors. That said, I was amazed at how I reacted to flipping through the head shots of potential donors. I had instant reactions to all of them - yes no no no no no no yes no no NO no no. I found a pattern - I saw a face that made me pause, then clicked to see the full profile. Nearly all of the ones I paused on were tall (even if you couldn't tell from the photo), not-blond, and had similar hobbies to mine own. How do you scan through that many photos, select ones that look a bit like you, and the see that they have similar interests to your own! Yes nearly everyone on there claims to be athletic, musical, creative, easy-going, and smart. But I am talking about people playing my specific sports, instruments,using similar verbal phrases, and being interested in the subjects I studied.

Tomorrow - I research crappy health aspects of this like increased risk of brittle bones, dementia, and Parkinson - oh my! I think a demented version of me might be entertaining for a day, but then it would just suck, particularly for those around me! I am hard enough as is. A demented version of me with brittle bones – yikes! I break myself enough as is...
 

Blood work

Fragile X blood test

Sam took my blood and had a lovely chat with me about what I did for work. She seemed genuinely interested in it. I complimented her on her blood drawing skills - I love the blood folks here, no pain and really lovely to interact with – and was strangely sad to leave. Our conversation felt like it could have really lead somewhere. I walked out with a smile that I've come so far from the hour of crying post blood tests when I was going in for weekly bloodwork 2 years ago.

That probably is because I highly doubt I will test positive for Fragile X. It is just a precaution in case it is also contributing to the POF.

Also, the blood work two years ago was a challenge for me. Then my goals were to determine if my ovaries were functioning properly and if I could wait to start trying to conceive until after my job transfer. It did not seem very convenient to move overseas pregnant or with an infant in arms. Plus, my new post was in a country with GREAT maternity coverage. If I could, I wanted to wait until after my transfer to start our family. The blood work was a precaution. No one seemed to understand what I wanted the tests for. In my new locale the fertility clinics do 'egg checks' which is exactly what I was looking for, instead I was made to feel like a freak for wanting to get check out for fertility when I was young and not even trying to conceive.

Really, now that I look back on those tests from two years ago (FSH between 15-19), coupled with all the hot flashes I was having, the doctors should have been suggesting the bloodwork not me. Instead I was told that even though I only had a few eggs, they were young ones, and that there was no reason not to wait, just to make sure that IVF facilities were available where we were moving to in case we had trouble.

I kept asking the doctor 'is my window of fertility' closing, and he said no no no.

I guess it no longer matters who was right on that one, because I waited and now my FSH is at 50. I think now we both would agree that the window has closed. Then again, perhaps I was as infertile then as I was the day after my surgery. I will never know.

My theme song...

... when I need to let the tears fall, this song always seems to let the tears flow.