Hope

Today I wrote a friend that "I love to play with the fire of hope.. it keeps me warm and happy, except when it burns me."

This week I have been obsessed with family creation and the woe of infertility. In Italy my life is a flashback to college days, with better hours, food, and drinks! Everyone is young and no one is talking about kids. People are surprised I am married "so young" (at 31) and no one in my circle of friends are talking about having kids. They are still working on moving out from their parents houses or getting their partners/spouses/boyfriends to be living in working in the same city as they are.

But the past 3 weeks I have been traveling through the USA. With other people's teenagers... whom I've come to really enjoy. Yes I laugh at... um with them a lot, but they warm my heart. I also am meeting old high school friends. And their kids. And these perfect manifestations of so many of my dreams -- -until I get to the second cup of tea with them and hear all that is below the brave face they are putting forth.

I face menopause with my brave face, but they are doing the same with marriage troubles, sick kids, lay offs, cancer scares etc. People are maxed out here. I am worried about making a great life for myself, but my friends are just trying to survive in some cases. Put things into perspective.

And then two more friends said that they thought about it, but won't donate after all. For very valid reasons... one just had her second miscarriage and worries that she isn't a good choice. The other decided that if she was in my situation, she wouldn't do donor eggs herself, and feels strange doing it for me. Again, if you have reservations, better now than later. But it brought up a lot of old emotions.

Then flash forward to today when I receive an email out of the blue from my clinic back in NZ. It was a simple note asking if I still wanted to be on the donor list, and if I could be available for treatment and appointments. I've been on it for nearly 3 years. My one and only cycle, with a friend, was in late 2008. I haven't heard once from the clinic checking if I was interested in staying on the list. I can't imagine that their policy is to only check every 2 years...

.... and so hope bubbles forth with the question, "do they have a potential donor for us?!"