I pulled myself together long enough to finally do something.
I started with the basics - laundry, shopping, feeding myself, and a nice long shower (not necessarily in that order)
Then I decided yesterday that I am not going to start my HRT.
I am a person who likes to hear advice, so long as it is said in a way that I can clearly do what ever I want. I actually prefer it to the vague 'listen to your heart only you know what's best for you' Well duh --- but I much prefer someone saying, what about x, and me reacting to it, rather than always having to come up with x by myself. Sometimes I do not realize how strongly I feel for or against something until its suggested by someone else.
On that note, I have one friend who is not afraid to share her opinions. She also does this in a way that is easy to dismiss or embrace as I see fit. Yesterday she sent me a txt asking how I was doing, and somehow after a few txts back and forth she said that she didn't think I should take the drugs unless there was a postive reason to do so and that I could always change my mind later this year.
I instantly realized that I felt exactly the same. That like her I'd prefer to err on the side of more dr opinions and fewer interventions... that I'm lucky that I have enough bone density to risk losing a bit while I have a good long think. Hearing someone give me permission to do what I wanted to, not by saying 'do what you think is best' but saying 'if I were you I'd think about doing x' and that happened to be what I was wanting to do.
And this wonderful relief washed over me. I felt so good that today I was able to calmly pick up the phone and inquire about adoption. I also wrote the donor egg nurse about whether my 39 year old friend is eligible to donate.
I feel like a three year old who's just done some big thing for the first time and want to jump up, hands in the air, and shout 'I did it I did it'
What exactly I did I don't know, but I feel strong and calm again with my connection to my heart and body semi-restored. And to celebrate, I threw some of music on my side bar... just hit pause if it annoys you.
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2 comments:
Can't remember if I've commented here before or not - if not, I'm officially delurking.
What good advice! It is exactly the advice I would give if I was the advice-giving type, which I tend not to be, especially in the blogosphere, as I always worry about people's reactions, and I often hate getting advice myself. Which is a long winded way of saying you're doing exactly what I would do - in fact, I was just posting about this very thing (our situations are different, but our attitudes about drugs/ interventions are remarkably similar.)
It sounds like you're doing what's right for you, and I'm glad your friend's advice helped you to see what that was.
And I like the music player. I just added one myself - what fun!
Thanks for your comments on my blog. The stereotypes of women needing to talk and men, not so much - totally true in my relationship. And you are right on about not just needing to talk, but needing to be heard. So many of my relationships - with my husband, my family, and my friends - feel better and different now that I'm getting heard on this issue that is most important to me right now. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off those relationships in real life, and I'm free to just be myself with those people and enjoy the relationship as it is.
I also think your point about the blogging community having a bit more emotional space in it is a very good one. It's something I've always loved about writing letters - you don't need to respond right away, and you have the space to return to things, think them over, cool down if something has upset you - and you can do what you need to do, all in your own time. The same is really true here in the blogosphere - it's not something I had thought of before, but very well put.
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