Today I was even more down then yesterday. Went to walk on the beach, and just sort of collapsed. I must have sat there for an hour... or more... or less. Really have no idea. I left when I noticed that it was dark and cold outside.
I honestly don't know what is getting to me more, the HRT that I am now required to take (and I completely can't get my head around) or the inferility. I feel like the two sides of a dead fish keep slapping across my face, just as I am realizing what hit me, the other side is greeting me.
I feel so guilty for feeling so bad when my loss is well ... I don't know.... it just seems so invisible and so small compared the huge losses of so many others. During the day I meet families whose children have disabilities. There is often grief there. At night I come home and read everyone's blogs - more grief.
And I still haven't filled my prescription for the damn HRT. It just fills me with dread. I know it's not for life (just the next 2 decades.... argh!). I know I can take breaks. I know I can change prescriptions. But I also know I really don't want to. I don't want to have to. I don't want the daily reminder that I waited too long. That I don't even get a chance to try with my own eggs. We weren't even TTC while I was still fertile. That I freaking am menopausal before my 30th birthday. And I'm so flat I can't even get angry. I just let that stupid fish keep slapping me upside the head.
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1 comment:
Try not to be so hard on yourself and your feelings. Grief is grief. I don't believe your grief is any less or more than the grief of others.
And whatever you have to do to deal with your grief, you have to do it. Even if it means letting that stupid fish slap you silly.
Thinking of you...
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