Last night was an upI was invited to have dinner with dear friends and their kids. They were having over a lovely couple and son. I was there during the build up of excitement of company arriving. The kids were eagerly waiting by the window. The mom was fruitlessly encouraging them to pick up their toys. The dad was baking some yummy smelling bread.
The other family arrived. My husband too a bit later when he finished work for the day. The food was wonderful. The kids were funny and honest about their opinions about the food. They tried to sneak inappropriate jokes into the table conversation. The adults collectively groaned. The kids eventually were allowed to be excused, and the adults chatted for hours over drinks, then tea, then whiskey. The kids fell asleep in a pile of blankets and pillows in the living room.
I was so happy. There is an energy about multigenerational gatherings like this that I love. I crave and savor these moments. My entire life was full of them, my mom was a master of creating holidays and gatherings. Then I left home at 18 to venture off to university. I am only now building a community of friends with kids and friends who still live near their parents.
I realized that one thing I was grieving was not having these gatherings in my life if I never get to be a parent. It was a relief to know that I was still part of the fabric of life last night. My shitty ovaries don't have to bare me from these moments.
Flash forward to today...
Today sucks...
I woke up and was just wanted to curl up and cry. So many stressful things on my to do list. Taxes in 2 countries. Donor recipient profile to finish up. Letters to doctors to write. Housecleaning. Learning that my mother must have received the email that she didn't reply to because my accountant back home (a family friend) referred to it. I need to call my mom about some tax stuff, but really I just want her to mother me through the afternoon, even though I suspect she can't.
Its a day of sad music. Wine with breakfast. Lots and lots of hot sauce on that breakfast. A very very empty house. Phone calls reaching out to friends... all of whom I ended up not being able to say anything to.
1 comment:
It's really true that we don't need to be excluded from those wonderful intergenerational family events just because we don't have children right now. I have the same love for gatherings like that, and a little while ago I had a revelation that just cause I don't have kids, doesn't mean I don't have a family. My husband and I are a family, and we can be with other families, or we can spend time just the two of us, having family time. (I wish there was a good synonym for "family" that had all the same connotations - ugh, redundancy!)
I love this line:
"It was a relief to know that I was still part of the fabric of life last night."
IF is such a bitch for making us feel like we don't belong - it's just so lonely sometimes. Glad you felt connected.
Hope things have gotten better since your post. I find being overwhelmed with stressful things is so hard cause I always get so down on myself, feeling like a screw up. Hope you're gentler with yourself than I usually am with myself, and that you can find some understanding and compassion here if you can't get them from people in your life right now. I'm here if you need me.
Post a Comment