Friday, March 28, 2008

Thurdsay, Friday, Saturday... the days of the week go round and round all month long

I finally did it, I popped open the pack of birth control and took my first bite of sugar coated hormones. And really I feel exactly the same as I did the day before I started taking them.

I still am occasionally bicckering with my lovely husband who can't seem to do anything around the house at the moment with his crazy hours thanks to a huge project deadline at work (note to others.. if you ever want to pick a fight with me, wait silently practicing the line 'i can't' in your head until I arrive home after a horrid day at work, after I scrap myself off the floor and go grocery shopping, and make dinner, and start cleaning up, and then wait until I ask a 2 minute task of you, and lay your line on me... for good measure continue to repeat the phrase 'i can't' when I ask you for a neck rub, to bring your plate to the sink, and to tell me about your day. )

Well a few things are different than I remember from taking the pill years ago:
  • I am experiencing some lovely stomach cramps -- fun!
  • Its much easier to remember to take the pills at the same time everyday now that I'm not a college student - whohooo, I must be developing a touch of responsibility!
  • Sex while taking them is not a huge relief, instead it brought on sobs. I felt completely empty and barren inside and was really shocked by the intensity of this reaction, which of course only amplified it. Wasn't exactly what my husband was looking for either I suspect:)

Perhaps this 3 months will buy me some quality time to come to terms with my thoughts and feelings on my premature ovarian failure. I think I have a long ways to go. I never promised I'd handle this gracefully (though I think had lots of internal hopes for myself).

3 comments:

Summer said...

I suspect that you'll have more crying days than you'd like but more graceful days then you think.

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, I feel you on the sex thing. Once we got the news that Manny's reversal had failed, there have been lots of times when having sex just feels like a cruel joke, and it has stirred up tears for me more than once. It is very hard.

On the 3 months thing being time to come to terms - this is such a good way of looking at it. My best friend pointed out to me when I was going out of my mind with all the waiting that maybe I need the time to process everything I'm going through and maybe the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. I often hate this kind of thinking when it comes from someone else - it is too much like bad assvice for my liking, so sorry if it makes you feel the same way - but for some reason, it really helped me deal with the waiting. Hope the time does bring you some peace.

Those internal hopes for grace are a bitch, aren't they? I do that to myself all the time when I would *never* expect the same from anyone else.

Smiling said...

Yeah anna... I would never expect it from others.

THe phrase " the universe is unfolding as it should" is sort of a mantra in our family. I think because of the desiderata...

More off than not, in hindsight I think that at least in my life I agree that the unverse was unfolding as it should. Only very rarely though is this a comfort during the dark days.