Friday, March 7, 2008

signs of hope, denial, or the unknown

Back a few years I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility as if it was a page turner. I knew it wasn't going to make me any more fertile, but I loved the idea that I could start understanding my body more.  I wanted to see signs and then fit them into a pattern, even if my pattern doesn't fit the norm at all.  

More importantly I really wanted to know if I ovulated or not and how to make sense out of my 2 week to 4 month long cycles.  Never really did, but I started to love and listen to my body more than I ever had before.

Flash forward to today.  The doctors say I am perimenopausal... 
...my ovaries are in their last twitches of functioning etc.

But I still feel that I am fertile.  I don't know what I actually mean by this. I'm grieving as though I don't believe it at all, but I still feel sexy and young and vibrant and have periods occasionally.  And if I truly didn't want a child I would opt for contraception because I am not 100% convinced that I can't conceive.  It makes for a mess of emtions that are overwhelming me at the moment.

All in all, it was a good day to stumble upon this post over at the Sluggish Butterfly  talking about intituion and wondering if you are fertile.  Maybe I'm not crazy after all. 

For tonight, my goal is not to worry about whether its hope, denial, or truth. If I feel fertile, I am just not going to worry about it. There is so much roled into that word, so much more than whether you'll be holding a baby a year from now, and for the next 24 hours I'm going to do my darnedest to not worry about how much (or little) I fit into all the aspects of the word fertile.

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