Talking ,smarking

I thought I'd spare my friends any talking about all this crap... for the entire day I did not talk about how much I hated the pill, or how I can't have kids with my genes in them, or how the closest my eggs will get to experiencing pregnency was when they were in my mother ---- perhaps I should ask for that portrait Mum's college roommate did of her when she was pregnant with me. Cruel or comforting, I don't know but I really want it on my wall now.

I thought it would be a holiday of sorts - for everyone.

My results - suddenly infertility was ALL i could think of. my brain atrophied in to spiraling illogical knots of dwelling on the PROBLEM WITH NO SOLUTION.

and then a kind friend said the perfect thing, "when you grow your family, however the hell it happens, make sure you do X." This is the same person that said yesterday how I would be an amazing mother (not 'but you'd be such a great mother') and how the kids, however they come to me, would be so lucky. The same person that only a week ago was saying shit like 'of course you'll have your own kids.'

What progress! Now if only I, a bit closer to the situation, could make the same kindof headway.

I think what I am finding really useful at the moment is when I bump into the sharp edges of my reality. I actually like it when people remind me (mostly accidentally) that I am not have kids with my own eggs. It makes it real and somehow its calming to know that I am not the only one who knows.

That coupled with the hope that I will be a parent someday – just that the path is obscurred from view at the moment. And that they have complete confidence that I won't suck at it any worse than anyone else.