As I was replying to a few people today, I realized that part of what is hitting me is that where I live both domestic adoption or donor egg routes to parenthood involve me creating a profile which hopefully will be selected by a donor or birth mother. At that point, we can say yay or nay...
Based on what, I don't know.
I feel like am dressing up for a dance.. one where I will be a blindfolded wallflower leaning against the wall, listening to all the excitement in front of me; where I will wait and wait and wait for someone to come ask me to dance – all the while fretting about whether I can actually dance, whether I wore the right clothes, if I'm standing just right, whether I'm bouncing to the music too much or too little, and most of all what to do if someone actually does approach me and ask me to to dance – Do you automatically say yes, or attempt to evaluate in some way... without even being able to watch and learn from the others around you.The funny thing is that my whole life I've just been throwing myself into the music – I am always with kids... mentoring, respite care, babysitting, teaching, playing in their forts or as they get bigger driving them to where they need to be... and there are days now when I see a gauze between me and them that never use to be there. I still get such joy from the interactions, but there is something different now.
But back to my questions...
Please feel free to leave anon comments - I sorted out how to turn that feature on today
- For those of you who've used donor eggs, what were you looking for in a donor?
- For those of you who are in the position of selecting a donor (say from a list of profiles), how do you think the experience would be different if the donors were selecting you?
- For those of you a bit further down this path, do you have any advice for someone like me just starting out?
- I know the best thing in life is to just be yourself, and let what happens happens, but are there any things you would choose not to put in a “prospective parent” profile? (The same way we choose what to, or note to, highlight on our resumes...)
- And for those of you who have put together profiles as part of the domestic adoption process, what organized your thinking about that?
I know my husband and I are just starting down this path... we have so much to learn. But I'd rather learn a bit of it early on and then go from there, so that I have knowledge stored up far enough in advance that I can start listening to my instinct again when the time comes.
I feel so new to all of this having jumped straight from haphazard charting (of my very haphazard cycle) to considering donor eggs. I wouldn't wish the struggle (and often painful loses) that so many of you are /have gone through on anyone, but there are days where I wonder if a bit more of a journey would have prepared me more for where I am headed.
3 comments:
OMG!!!!! i lost my ovaries during a surgery at age 12. Its not often that I run into people with my same issue. I'd love to talk more with you. I'm in a rush right now but I wanted to thank you for the comment on my blog and let you know that I'm adding you to my list of blogs. Hugs and take care!
You know when I first started thinking about donor eggs two years ago, I was hoping for many specifics on my donor (college educated, interested in some of the things I was interested in, etc.). As I got more and more comfortable with the idea of donor eggs, I found a lot of those criteria disappearing. Partly, it was because Asian donors are not common and to be "picky" would have made the whole process a lot harder and it would have taken a lot longer. But, the other part of it was that I realized even if I could pass down my genetic material, I had no guarantee that the child would be like me. I believe nature and nurture have equal influence on who we become. Ultimately, my criteria was that the donor was Chinese. I realized having the shared ethnicity was the most important thing to me and the only thing I could not budge on. That's not to say that I chose the first Chinese donor that we came across. I did read the profiles to try to get a sense of who the donors are and there were many I didn't feel a connection with. So, in the end I guess what I was looking for was a Chinese donor who I felt a connection with.
As for what I would have felt if I had to submit a profile. I think it might have been a good thing, because it would mean that maybe the donor felt some connection with me also. Although, I don't necessarily want an open donation, I would have liked to have the choice of a semi-open one so that we could have something more personal to say about the donor should any potential kids ask about her. I realize it's a scarier proposition to put yourself out there, but at the same time I feel like maybe it puts the donor and the recipients on more even ground.
In terms of choosing a donor, I think you need to ask yourself what are things about a donor you absolutely want and what are things you would like, but can let go. Also, are donations anonymous where you are or is there a possibility of meeting the donor? What about contact with the donor when the child is 18, if children result from this donation? Is that an option you want? If so, that may be something you might mention in your profile to see if there is a donor who is open to that.
Hi. I'm a fellow high FSHer (though for different reasons -- mine are unclear and my FSH less high -- 16) who needed IVF due to male factor (failed vasectomy reversal) and was told not to bother trying. I ignored (and by ignored I mean, agonized repeatedly over) that advice, did IVF and got pregnant (and went on to have a son, born healthy and full-term) on my 4th cycle -- which happened to be the only cycle I did after getting a thyroid problem diagnosed and treated. I blame the thyroid (or really, the doctors who ignored it), not the FSH, for it taking me 4 attempts (though of course I don't really know what caused what and there's no question I got lucky).
Only you can decide what approach is right for you, and donor egg (or embryo, if that's an option) is probably your best bet if your primary goal is getting pregnant quickly and getting all this behind you -- a perfectly reasonable choice. But I have seen women with astronomically high FSH (triple digits) conceive naturally and have healthy pregnancies, and those are just among the ones who've been diagnosed with high FSH. If you want to wait before moving to DE, there's no medical need to rush toward it. It works for women well into their 40s.
I've read the research, and my own take is that prematurely high FSH can be caused by auto-immune conditions and that if it is, some of those also contribute to problems that correlate with increased risk of miscarriage, but that high FSH in general does not increase the number or extent of problems with pregnancy. My RE told me the same thing (well, the latter bit, he didn't discuss the auto-immune stuff with me).
Oh, on another question you asked, I started working on a domestic adoption in the US and completed our "dear birthmother" letter. We were advised to use specific examples of things we would like to do with our child when he or she is young (e.g. "I dream of snuggling up to read Thomas the Tank Engine before bed," not, "I want my child to love reading and plan to read a lot of books to him or her." or "We have plans for lazy evenings cooking hotdogs on the grill and catching fireflies" not "We like to spend lots of time outside.") and to discuss or offer examples of our experiences with young children and our specific plans for working and/or childcare (if applicable) after we become parents. According to the agency we were working with, these are things that resonate with many prospective birth parents.
Also, everything I have read about both adopting and donor gametes suggests that openness, or the possibility of it, is probably the better way to go (when that is an option), on average, in terms of the children's feelings and reactions.
Good luck to you, whatever paths you decide to pursue.
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